Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
