Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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