I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
