If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
