By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
