dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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