her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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