the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
how does that bad decision feel?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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