There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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