it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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