do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
sex in a hospital.. check
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
