I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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