probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
