i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
