i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
