My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
