I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
