apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
