I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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