Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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