and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
