New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
zippers are such a cool invention
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
