Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
