Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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