I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
