my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
