hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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