brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
our cab driver is having phone sex.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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