i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
