If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
