I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
