im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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