"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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