i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The Olympian is in my bed
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
