dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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