The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
