new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
