So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
