He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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