My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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