please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
