I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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