she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
