I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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