I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
