Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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