my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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