he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
