When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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