i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
